Between Desire and Duty: Opposite-Sex Marriage among Gay, Bisexual, and Same-Sex-Active Men in Iran—A Systematic Mixed-Evidence Review

In many cultures, marriage is more than a union between two people; it is a public declaration that a young man has become an adult, a responsible son, and a future father. It is the moment when a family's lineage continues, and a man's place in the community is secured. For men who are attracted to other men, this expectation creates a profound tension. They must navigate the deep desire to belong to their families and the equally deep reality of their own intimate lives, which often cannot be spoken about openly. In Iran, where social and religious norms place a heavy weight on traditional family structures, this pressure is intense. The question researchers have long asked is not just whether these men marry women, but what those marriages actually mean for the men, their wives, and their families. Is a marriage a genuine love story, a strategic shield against suspicion, or an attempt to change who a person is?

To answer this, a researcher named Hessam Mirgolbabaei conducted a comprehensive review of existing studies, bringing together data from both English and Persian sources. He looked at twenty-six different reports representing sixteen distinct groups of men in Iran. These groups ranged from young men found through online networks to older men in their forties and beyond, and included men seeking help at sexual health clinics, men in drug treatment programs, and those participating in ethnographic fieldwork. The goal was to piece together a clearer picture of how opposite-sex marriage fits into the lives of gay, bisexual, and same-sex-active men in Iran. By reading the numbers alongside the personal stories, the review aimed to move beyond simple statistics and understand the human experience behind the marriage certificate.

The numbers told a story of great variation rather than a single national trend. In a sample of thirty-nine young men connected through internet networks, none were currently married. In stark contrast, a study of forty-two men aged forty or older found that half were currently married, and nearly two-thirds had been married at some point. Other studies, such as one involving men in a Tehran sexual health clinic, showed that about twelve percent were married, while a larger survey across eight cities found that eight percent were currently married. However, the researcher could not combine these figures into a single national percentage. The groups were too different, the ways they were recruited varied too much, and many studies did not even record the gender of the spouse. What the data did show was that marriage happens, but its frequency depends entirely on who is being asked and where they are being asked.

The personal stories revealed why these marriages happen and what they look like from the inside. For many men, the drive to marry comes from a deep sense of family duty. Parents and relatives often ask when a son will marry and have children, framing it as a question of masculinity and responsibility. For some, agreeing to marry is a way to answer these questions and quiet the doubts of relatives, allowing them to remain part of the family without having to disclose their same-sex attractions. In these cases, the marriage serves as a public signal of a heterosexual life, even if the man's private life is different. Some men described using engagement or marriage to stop relatives from asking uncomfortable questions, effectively trading a public appearance of conformity for the privacy to live their true lives.

For others, the motivation was more complex and sometimes more painful. Some men entered marriages hoping that the experience would change their sexuality, a belief that marriage could "cure" same-sex attraction. The review found accounts of men who tried this, only to find that their feelings did not change, leading to difficult divorces and lasting emotional consequences. In some instances, the pressure to marry was so intense that men felt forced into the union, creating a situation where a relationship was assigned a task it could not fulfill. These narratives highlight that a marriage is not always a simple choice; it can be a response to coercion or a desperate attempt to fit a mold that does not fit.

The review also uncovered the reality of "double lives." For some men who married, the wedding did not end their relationships with men. Instead, they continued to have secret relationships with male partners while living as married men. In one study, two out of three married participants described maintaining these hidden connections. This creates a situation where a man is publicly recognized as a husband and father, while his most intimate commitments remain invisible to his family and community. The research suggests that being seen in a social role is different from being recognized for who you truly are. A man can be present in his family's life while his true self remains unacknowledged.

However, the researcher was careful to avoid a single, sweeping explanation for all these marriages. A crucial finding was that not every marriage between a man who has sex with men and a woman is a cover-up or a lie. The review explicitly argued against the assumption that a bisexual man's marriage to a woman is automatically a sham. For some bisexual men, a marriage to a woman is a genuine relationship they want, and it may coexist with their attraction to men. The motivation behind the marriage varies from person to person; it can be a mix of love, family pressure, fear, and personal choice. Treating every such marriage as a deception erases the reality of bisexual men who genuinely desire and love their female partners.

The study also highlighted a significant gap in the research: the perspective of the wives. Most of the available accounts come from the men themselves. We know little about what these wives knew, what they consented to, or how they experienced the marriage. They are often portrayed only as victims or as obstacles, but they are also people with their own lives, attachments, and responsibilities. The review suggests that future research needs to listen to them, but doing so requires extreme care to protect everyone's safety and privacy. In a society where revealing a same-sex relationship can lead to serious harm, uncovering the truth must be done without putting anyone in danger.

Ultimately, the review paints a picture of marriage as a negotiation between two worlds: the life a man can show his family and the life he lives for himself. It is a space where family belonging and sexual autonomy collide. For some, marriage is a way to gain recognition as an adult while keeping their true self hidden. For others, it is a source of conflict, a failed attempt to change, or a genuine love that exists alongside other desires. The research does not offer a simple solution or a single path forward. Instead, it calls for a more nuanced understanding that recognizes the complexity of these lives. It suggests that clinicians, community leaders, and researchers should stop assuming that a marriage proves a man is straight or that it proves he is deceiving his family. Instead, they should ask what the marriage means to the people involved, whether there is pressure or threat, and what kind of support is needed to keep everyone safe and healthy. The story of marriage in this context is not just about a wedding day; it is about the ongoing struggle to belong to a family while remaining true to oneself.